I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.

To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.

What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.

As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.

Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.

-- Pablo Neruda

Currently Reading The Journey of Desire: Searching for the Life We've Only Dreamed of By John Eldredge see related

i feel as though i am a fraud. a stand-in for the main character. i have a life to lead, and a destiny to pursue. am i doing it? i don't feel that i am. i have such an insatiable desire for something that i cannot name. i am driven by this nameless, faceless pursuer and i am very frustrated. how many years have i been running blindly? all i really want is to be where i am supposed to be...yet how can i attain what i cannot name? i simply do not know. where am i supposed to be?! my inner heart confuses me with dreams and passions and desires all conflicting what i want and need. im so caught up in them that i cannot differentiate between what i should pursue and what i shouldnt. i feel as though i've been chasing the wrong things for so long that i'm too tired to run after that which i should. im done running. please catch me. please show me that path specific to my life. where am i supposed to be? its funny to see old words resurface. how little things have truly changed in this lengthy time...

"school is not for the faint of heart...neither is growing up. it's odd. i've spent my entire life feeling as if i was too old. now that im actually at a point to be considered old, i feel so young. i have so little experience. but i have such big dreams. i used to think that i wanted to die for my faith. and the other night, i realized how selfish i am. i don't want to worry about dying. i want to grow up, and get married to my wonderful man, and have babies, and reach the people around me. i don't want to die in some remote village. but my heart bleeds for that remote village. im scared of what will happen if i let my life go. i know it's not mine to control. but the pictures i paint are so happy and quaint. im scared of what it will cost to live as i claim to.  God told me i was supposed to be here. but im not living as i should. i am the epitomy of all things i despise. a hypocrite in the truest and deepest form. i put forth words from my mouth that don't correspond to the actions of my hands and heart. i turn from God at the slightest beckon of another lover. what right do i have to say 'God wants me here'? so i was here on false pretenses. and i should leave. but God stayed active all day long with kisses and wooing and here i am. a sinner in the arms of grace. i've never really understood that concept until now. God has called me and it's up to me to listen. i have done nothing that deserves even his slightest attentions. but he loves me and is not content without me. im sure that there is someone else who is better suited for my life. im sure there is someone more faithful, more true, more honest, more loving..but apparently, they simply will not do. they have their own story to live. and it's not mine. and regardless of how i feel about it, i am called to die. everyday, i have to forget that i exist and live for another. i have to die for my faith a hundred times a day, and hope that i'll get in practice. i do not live for me, but a cause. my life has been saved. it's time to return the favour. im terrified. but only by letting go of all i cling to will i learn what it's really about.

I am a part of the 'fellowship of the unashamed'.

The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. the decision has been made. I am a disciple of Christ.

I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. my past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure.

I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colourless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

My pace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear.

I won't give up, back up, let up or shut up until I've preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ. I must go until he returns, give until i drop, preach until all know, and work until he comes.

And when he comes to get his own, He will have no trouble recognizing me. My colours will be clear.

"For I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ." (Romans 1:16)

                                      -- the last words from a martyr in Africa

oh God forgive me for my apathy...! how can i sit idly by as others lives are being stolen every moment?  150,000 people will be dead by the time my head hits the pillow tonight. do they know what awaits them? how can i affliate myself with Love when i haven't even begun to grasp it's entirety? can my version even begin to be called love if i have the antidote people are literally dying for? we have a disease called 'human experience' that doesn't have to be fatal. i know the cure. why do i act as though it is mine to keep? am i any more deserving then the person to my right or to my left? of course not! and yet, i act as though i am selected and they are not. dear father, have mercy. i am so foolish.

if sinners will be damned, at least let them leap to Hell over our bodies. and if they will perish, let them perish with our arms about their knees, imploring them to stay. if Hell must be filled, let it be filled in the teeeth of our exertions, and let not one go there unwarned or unprayed for.                                                                                                                                                                       --Charles Haddock Spurgeon  

i love the fact that i just write for the sake of writing on here. no-one reads it; no one cares. but i can put whatever i want to. it's refreshing.

i have as my tagline 'mastered by nothing but the master himself '. and i realized today, thanks to wesley that it is simply not true. i am mastered by so much. i have been taught that in order to be loved, i must do superb. i must excel. because i can. because i have the ability. but if i dont, love will be withheld. acceptance will be taken back. i am only good, when i am doing good. in this constant desire to please everyone else, i have lost sight of what i want. of what i need.  what burns me and drives me in my heartest of hearts is no longer my own. instead i am driving by fear. i don't want to be alone. i want you to love me. i do what i must to ensure that it happens. in working for love from everyone else, i lose the ability to love myself. i once had a question posed over me. someone, one time, saw what was happening and called it out. a little girl, in a dark garden, all alone and crying, pieces of her shattered mask lying at her feet. 'won't anyone ever see me? can't anyone just love me for me?'  and that huge black void has only grown. i didnt catch it in time. it was true then but its even truer now. instead of it being called out then, it seems to have become a prophecy over my life. i break the hold right now. in the name of Jesus, i am loved and i have been seen. since i was first knit together, i have been seen. i have been held. i am loved. he traded all that he had to have me and i am precious and beloved to him. i gave him nothing, i have nothing. my greatest efforts would be the harshest of failures. and still, i am loved. joyfully, entirely, eternally loved. the only person that needs to see me there, in my garden, has already seen me. and poured his love over me. i am his delight. 

Do or die,

you'll never make me!

Because the world will NEVER take my heart

Go and try, you'll never break me

We want it all, we wanna play this part

I won't explain or say I'm sorry

I'm unashamed,

 I'm gonna show my scar

Give a cheer for all the broken

Listen here, because it's who we are

Carry on ....